Would you adopt non-violent communication?

Are you verbally violent? I am! But I barely realized it.

One day, my boyfriend told me, “I felt hurt by what you said yesterday.” What? I got completely lost.

-“When? What did I say?”

-“When we had the discussion, you said ‘You really disappointed me!’.”

I can’t believe I said that. I could recall I was quite disappointed at my boyfriend’s negative response, but I didn’t remember what I said to him. “You really disappointed me!” Ouch! That does sound hurtful!

Have you ever said something similar to your loved ones? When we had that conversation, I was reading Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent communication. I was aware that what I said to my boyfriend was NOT non-violent communication, but ineffective communication.

Language is a double-edged sword and how we use the language determines our communication effectiveness. As an awkward communicator, I could recall many occasions of ineffective use of language which resulted in misunderstanding, confusion, conflict, or even insults. I’m sure I’m not alone. Each of us must have seen how ineffective communication was sidetracked by negative emotions, finger-pointing, ego talking, or verbal attacking. Non-violent communication encourages us to focus on observation, feelings, and needs. I was impressed by its effectiveness which could lead to more understanding, deeper connections, and more harmonious relationships. I felt inspired to adopt and nurture nonviolent communication.

Let me share an example. Please draw this picture in your mind: after a long day, you arrived home and saw a really messy house. You got angry at your partner because it was his turn to clean the house. You might feel like giving him the dirty look and saying: “ Hey! I’m really angry with you! Why don’t you clean the house?” Have you ever done something similar? Your partner would feel accused or attacked and then a flight is triggered. In this case, it’s less likely that your partner will empathize with your feelings or understand your needs.

Let’s try a replay using nonviolent communication, then you’d have said: “I feel angry when the room is a hot mess because I need to have a tidy environment. Maybe you forgot it’s your turn to clean, but could you please clean up next time? “ These two sentences covered your observation of a messy house, expressed your feeling of unhappiness, your need for room tidiness. More importantly, you also sent a request for cleanup next time. It’s more likely that your partner will hear your feelings and needs, and address your request.

Are you verbally violent? Have you ever said things that were like a sharp sword and hurt others’ feelings? I have, and I am striving to do it less by adopting non-violent communication. In toastmasters, we give constructive feedback rather than opinion. The constructive feedback is based on what is observed during the speech, and we focus on what we saw, heard, and how we felt, not the person. This aligns surprisingly well with the essence of non-violent communication.

Back to the conversation with my boyfriend, I looked into his eyes genuinely and I said, “Thanks for telling me how you felt. I wish I had said ‘I was disappointed by your response.’. Would that have been a better way to tell you about it? He nodded.

Why didn’t I use non-violent communication in the first place? Because I need a lot more practice with this approach. I’ll need to take baby steps to integrate it deliberately. Would you like to elevate your communication effectiveness in your personal and professional life? Then try non-violent communication by focusing on observation, and having empathy for the feelings and needs of the other. Most importantly, teach your kids non-violent communication and practice it with them. In a world that needs more compassion, this approach will put us on a better path.